fault

i have no good words to say.

nothing with any importance or impact.

none with any sort of metaphorical intelligence or vast depth.

there is merely one thing that rings as loud as london church bells in the cortex of my brain.

i am scared.

i am really, really scared.

of nothing, of everything.

of the way the sun is on fire, the way the earth feels like it is too.

of the constant detachment and reattachment of my mind and heart, which seems to be the only coherent agreement between the two.

of the unruly nature that is mankind, unpredictable and all the while patterned and how impossible that should be.

of how impossible i wish it would be.

of staying.

of leaving.

of my emotions that change so consistently that i can no longer tell which of them are real or what holds any stake.

of how i will still impulsively act on said emotions, and regret it to destruction tomorrow.

of how that will be my fault.

of how it will always be my fault.

i sit on the grass and i will roots to grow from my fingertips so that i will finally for once be still and this rapid rotting inside of me will slow.

yet even if i managed stillness on this earth, the earth itself is constantly moving, too.

so in the name of science, i will never be still.

in the name of science, this buzzing will never cease.

in the name of science, i will never not know fear.

and i will rot and rot and rot until the grass beneath me is also rotting and ruin.

until the entire world is nothing but a crumble of mold.

and that too will be my fault.